The Lies I’ve Been Telling Myself

Yesterday, I felt like I had some sort of breakthrough. I was stood up again yet again by another handyperson with whom I had made an appointment to give me an estimate for the drywall job in the studio.

I have had the absolute worst experiences with handymen. How many is this now? I’ve lost count. Let’s see.

1. There was the guy I hired to do the most simple and basic job (haul away junk). He did half the job, and asked for the whole payment, and told me he’d be back the next morning to finish. I paid him, and then didn’t see him for six weeks. In the interim, I texted him twice, and twice he told me he’d be back the next day to finish. He was a no show both times. When he finally did come six weeks later to haul off the rest of the stuff, his truck bed was already piled full when he showed up, and he couldn’t get everything he had promised to take (and for which I had already paid him) into his already-full truck bed. But regardless, he declared the job done, and won’t respond to my texts.
2. I made an appointment with another guy on a specific day and at a specific time. He didn’t show. I got a DM from him on Nextdoor later that evening telling me that we could reschedule. He didn’t apologize for standing me up, and didn’t offer any kind of excuse. It was just, “Hey, I think I was supposed to meet with you at 5:00 today. We can reschedule that for another day.” Ummm…no.
3. I made an appointment with a woman via DM on Nextdoor who handles her husband’s handyman business. I messaged her, and she messaged me right back saying that I could call her any time. I called immediately, and she said they were at another person’s house giving them an estimate, and could probably come directly to my house after that. She said she’d call me back in five minutes. That was five days ago, and I still haven’t heard back.
4. I made an appointment with another guy. He and his helper actually showed up when they said they would to look at the job. He was here five minutes, took some measurements, and said he’d text me later with an estimate. I didn’t hear from him that night or the next day. I finally texted him and asked if he had an estimate for me, and I got a read receipt showing that he read my text about two minutes after I sent it. That was two days ago, and I still haven’t heard back.
5. I made an appointment with a woman who evidently has several work crews that do all kinds of remodeling and handyman jobs. She was supposed to be here yesterday at 5:00. At 5:30, she still wasn’t here and I hadn’t heard from her. I called and got no answer. I texted, and waited. I finally got a text back from her at 6:00, and she said that she was with her plumber and didn’t realize the time, and that I could give her a call next week and we can reschedule.

I don’t know how any of these people stay in business when they treat customers (or potential customers) with so little regard. To say that I was at the end of my rope yesterday evening would be an understatement. I was furious and frustrated and, quite honestly, feeling helpless.

Helpless. That’s a word that I’ve never thought I would associate with myself. I’ve always thought of myself as strong, capable, determined. I’ve always been the kind of person who will figure out a way, even if something seems impossible. Over the last 16 years that I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve had people ask me repeatedly, “Kristi, how did you do that by yourself?” I just did. Sheer determination, a very strong will, mixed with a heaping spoonful of stubbornness, has served me very well over the years.

But lately, something shifted in my mind, and not for the good. I don’t now if it’s just because I’m on the last room in our home and I’m feeling like I’m on the last mile of a marathon and I might not make it. I don’t know if it’s because I just had a milestone birthday and I’m feeling old and asking myself, “How did I get here already?” I really don’t know what it is, but about six months ago, there was a change in my mindset. Instead of being that strong, capable, determined person I’ve always been, I started telling myself that I can’t. I’m not capable. I’m not strong enough. I can’t do these things by myself, and if I don’t find help, they won’t get done because I can’t.

I’ve never been an “I can’t” person before. But I’ve told myself these lies so many times over the last few months that it’s just become depressing. Combine that with the fact that I haven’t been able to find a reliable person to do some of these things that I had convinced myself I couldn’t do, and that has led to a completely depressing feeling of helplessness.

Never in my life did I think that I could feel helpless. And yet, there I was yesterday, feeling helpless. I felt so helpless and discouraged that I cried and had a pity party for myself. And then I got angry and threw a little temper tantrum because these people keep standing me up, and I someone else has to do it for me because I can’t do it on my own.

Well, after about 30 minutes of that nonsense, my anger and frustration turned towards myself. I started wondering what in the world had happened to me. What have I become? How in the world have I convinced myself over these last few months that I’m not capable of doing these things?

I’ve drywalled entire rooms in our house before, including the ceiling, by myself. Yes, it’s true that I promised myself that I’d never have to do drywall again because, quite frankly, I hate it. I hate installing drywall, and I hate taping and mudding even more. But my mindset had gone beyond just I don’t want to do this because I hate doing drywall. My mindset had gone to I’m not capable of doing this and I’m dependent upon someone else to do it for me. And not being able to find someone dependable to do it for me had led to that dreadful and unfamiliar feeling of helplessness.

I honestly don’t know how I had convinced myself of these lies. I mean, I’ve put cased openings in load-bearing walls in this house all by myself.

I’ve torn rooms down to the studs and rebuilt them all by myself.

And yet I was feeling helpless over five sheets of drywall? I had convinced myself that I’m not capable of doing this on my own. How did that happen?

Well, perhaps being stood up by all these people is exactly what I needed to snap myself out of this downward spiral I’ve been in over these last few months, because after all of my temper tantrums and pity parties yesterday, I found determination that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I started reminding myself of who I am and what I’ve done, and I reminded myself that I am VERY capable! I don’t need to depend on other people!

So I headed to Home Depot with a plan in mind. I was going to rent one of their $19 trucks, and get the drywall that I needed to finish the job myself. I ran into a little roadblock when I got there because they didn’t have any of the trucks, but I was determined. I still got my five sheets of drywall, but I had one of the guys help me cut each sheet down six inches so that they would fit in the van. I got everything I needed to get this drywall done! And as soon as Matt and I are finished eating lunch today, I will get it done.

And I’m going to stop telling myself “I can’t” and “I’m not capable.” I don’t know how or why these lies started creeping into my head, but I’m tired of those lies tumbling around in my head. As of yesterday, they’ve been issued an eviction notice, and I’m going to do everything in my power to get back to my old mindset where I tell myself that I can. I can’t stand that feeling of helplessness, and I don’t want to feel that again. I may have passed a milestone birthday, and I may be a bit older than I was when I started this blog, but I’m still strong, capable and determined…or at least I’m going to do my very best to get back to mindset. It may take a bit of time to get back there full steam, but in the meantime, I’m at least going to stop letting those lies take up residence in my head.

Addicted 2 Decorating is where I share my DIY and decorating journey as I remodel and decorate the 1948 fixer upper that my husband, Matt, and I bought in 2013. Matt has M.S. and is unable to do physical work, so I do the majority of the work on the house by myself. You can learn more about me here.