“I talk so much with family and friends about everything that’s gone on. This situation with Clare, it’s f–king sucked, you know,” he said in the video that showed him sitting outside by the ocean. “And I think everyone looks for a right answer, a right way to handle these things, someone for guidance and there really f—king isn’t one.”
Saying he was “feeling shaken right now,” Moss continued. “This has been a learning experience for me, as someone who’s had to provide for everybody all the time, for friends, family, and if I was hurting, not even having an option to stop and just having to keep going for everyone else. And trying to move forward each and every day.”
Wiping away tears, he said, “This has f–king rocked me. I felt so many emotions, so much guilt, but also so much confusion, so much hurt, and I know that we both have. And looking for so many answers before this even happened on how to make things better. But the reality of it is, life isn’t perfect. And we make mistakes. I’ve made a lot of them, I know we all do. My pops would always say you gotta hurt before you heal. I’ve been f–king hurting. A lot.”
The former athlete, who confirmed his split from the Bachelorette star on January 19, recalled praying for his life to change a little over three years ago.
“I remember it clear as day, like praying, just with so much stuff that happened in life, with family and having to keep going,” he said. “I got so numb, just f–king cold and numb to feeling where nothing would phase me, and I remember sitting and praying like, I just want to feel again, I want to fight again, I’m tired of going through things, you know, being alone. And then, you always have these ideas for how things are supposed to go, what you’ll stand for, what you’ll put up with, what you want out of a relationship, what you want out of love. And when you really fall that s–t goes out the f–king window.”
“The smallest thing can cut you the deepest, and I think about this year, just with everything that’s gone on … so many people trying to keep their head above water in so many ways and act like everything’s OK, but f–k, we all go through it and I think the biggest thing is knowing that’s OK. And you can’t do everything, you can’t be everything for everybody,” Moss continued.
The South Dakota native went Live one day after Crawley, 39, shared her own Instagram Live and admitted she’s been “struggling” with anxiety amid their split and was “trying really hard to come back” from the “dark place” she’d been in.
Moss said he didn’t know why he decided to do the Live apart from wanting to “be honest” and to “just let you know this is real.”
“The things people go through is real. Understanding and what I’ve learned in this situation. Even if you feel low, it does get better. Also just thinking about a lot about what I’ve wanted out of life. What I used to want and how things have changed so much this year,” he continued. “I just feel f–king wrecked and I thought the things that would make me feel better, the things I thought would make me feel better ended up making me feel worse.”
“I don’t have all the answers,” Moss said of his short-lived engagement to Crawley as he appeared to address reports of infidelity. “I know there’s a lot of things circulating and people will say whatever. I do know that we had … There’s a lot more good out there than bad and I know that I’ve experienced that and I’m working through this situation the best way that I can.”
“I’m man enough to understand and realize mistakes and things that I’ve done. [I’m] trying to put pride aside, pray more and just try to make the best decisions moving forward, so it takes time. All this s–t takes time. And I see a lot of people saying, ‘God’s got you, follow your heart.’ Everyone’s going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. And in a lot of situations, you’re going to look for answers and direction and there’s no f—king way to find one,” he continued. “I think at the end of the day, it’s about doing what makes you happy and nothing in life is permanent.”
Revealing that he was going to “sit and pray with my mom for a little bit,” the former NFL star added, “F–k my heart was just f–king heavy, especially the last week. And at the end of the day, I think we all try to do the best that we can and make the best decisions that we think at the time. It doesn’t mean it’s always the right one.”
He concluded his more than 11-minute-long video by thanking fans who’ve “sent so much love and support, not only to myself also to Clare.”
“I know she has been f–king going through it,” he concluded, “And whatever the case, I know that we will figure this out together, whatever it is.”
Listen to Here For the Right Reasons to get inside scoop about the Bachelor franchise and exclusive interviews from contestants